She didn’t blush
anymore.
She used to always blush when she’d think of her crushes.
First there was her cousin. “Everyone will think it’s
stupid. No one will get it. They won’t see how he is with me. They won’t see
the real him, and the real me.” She blushed as she kept this crush to
herself. She was afraid no one would
understand why she liked him so much. “He’s your cousin. That’s gross!” This she
imagined them saying if the news got out. They didn’t know that he listened to
what she said when everyone else didn’t. They didn’t see the special time he
set aside for their annual canoe rides out on the lake during the family
camping trips every summer. Then he started bringing his girlfriend on these
trips and she was left out of the canoe rides. Instead of blushing at her
liking him, she was angry.
Then there was the guy who would become her cousin through
marriage. This was a different guy than the first cousin. When they were dating
he wasn’t officially her cousin yet… But she still blushed when her best friend
reminded her that it was the same as being cousins because his dad was still
dating her aunt. No one knew why she dated this guy. She couldn’t even explain
it, really. Except that he was her first real boyfriend. That was all she could
say. She didn’t blush when she dumped him and started dating another guy on the
same day.
After this, she had a series of crushes on all of the
popular guys. There was one that lasted the entire 7th grade and into the 8th
grade. She had always talked to him, went to all of his football games. He
wrestled for her dad; she travelled with the team to all of the tournaments so
she could spend every Saturday with him. They became close friends, but she
could never tell him just how much she liked him, that it was more than just
friends for her, much much more than that. Her cheeks turned red every time she
thought of what she would say to him. He was the new kid in school, but he
became popular after the first month he was there. By the time his second year,
he was the most popular guy in their grade and every girl had a crush on him. She’d never be good enough for him. During
the eighth grade dance he made sure he saved a song for her. It was the last
song of the night, “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden. It was perfect, she thought. This
will be the time that I finally get to tell him how I feel, when it’s just us,
him and me. As they started dancing and she was building up the courage to
speak, he spoke first. “I can’t tell you how much you mean to me. You’re
amazing, funny, smart, always there for me to talk to. I don’t know what I’d do
without you. You’re my best friend.” Her pulse quickened, palms started to
sweat, her throat tightened. “You’re like one of the guys to me.” If he said
anything after this, she didn’t hear it. She blushed right before everything
went numb inside her. If she still blushed after that, she didn’t know it.
She used to blush a lot in high school. Like the time she
was only a sophomore and he was a senior. He had a girlfriend – they had been
dating for five years at that point. But he would talk to her – not his
girlfriend – late at night. On the band trip, they fell asleep talking to each
other on the phone in the hotel – she blushed at some of the questions that he’d
asked. He asked her to sit next to him during the musical they saw the next day
– his girlfriend was furious and jealous at this. She blushed when she thought
of all the assumptions that people would make. One night, he began asking her
sexual questions. With some, she had no idea what he was asking or suggesting
and so she just made up answers. She blushed at her ignorance of these things. The
farthest she had gone with any guy was making out … He was the first guy to get
her to do sexual things; she blushed at this, too. He made a plan: he’d be the
first guy to “break her in” … she blushed during the whole time he told her his
plan. Then she blushed and cried when it never happened. How could she be so stupid to think that it would actually come true?
She didn’t blush anymore; she just tried to get him out of her head, and heart.
There were several boyfriends that she had who would go only
as far as holding her hand, one wouldn’t even do that. She was disappointed
with their lack of intimacy, but wouldn’t pressure them to do anything. She
didn’t know how to initiate anything, but she just wanted to be with someone.
Being alone was what she feared most in the world. She used to blush at her
indecision; why couldn’t she just be
happy with what she had?
Then there was the guy who liked her more than anyone else
ever had. She didn’t really know what to do with this guy. He liked her so much,
but she couldn’t return the feelings. Sure, he was a great person, good friend,
everyone liked him … but she didn’t like
him, not like that at least. She wasn’t attracted to him like she was to other
guys. She blushed at his persistence; he kept telling her how much he liked
her, what was “so great” about her, that she should date him. She turned him
down, time after time. Once she even made up a boyfriend – Brad Funerelli, he
was the best boyfriend ever! But still this guy kept on asking her out, until
finally she gave in and agreed to date him. At
least I know he won’t leave me for another girl, she thought. She used to
blush, knowing that she could never match his affection for her. Then one day: “I
think we’re moving towards just being friend with benefits… I think it’s better
if we were just friends.” First she blushed because she didn’t even know what “friends
with benefits” meant, and then she blushed when she realized he was breaking up with her. After this she didn’t know what to
do, if she couldn’t keep him, hold on to him, how would she be able to keep
anyone? She would be alone forever. Her blushing face turned pale and the tears
started to fall, forming rivers down her cheeks as she ran out the door of his
house.
Standing next to her car, crying, sobbing, gasping for air,
she heard a familiar voice coming toward her. In her crying fit she couldn’t
hear or understand what he was saying, her own sorrow was louder than his
words. But she recognized the voice; it was her best friend. He came up to her,
first excited to see her – they always loved talking to each other – then worried
when he saw her crying. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened? He didn’t…”
He looked into her eyes. “Oh my god! He did! How could he?! I’m so sorry.
Truly, I am. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.” And he hugged her. It was the
best thing that she could have gotten at that moment. A hug from her best
friend. She felt safe in that hug, like he’d make everything okay. His warmth
warming up her face. She blushed with their embrace. Her lips twitched into a
smile, barely recognizable as a smile, as he brushed the tears falling off her
face. “It’ll be okay. I promise. You’re strong; you’ve been through worse. You
inspire me to face every day with a smile; you bring light to my world.” This
would be the last time that she smiled for months.
She thought about that talk every night … How he made her
feel safe, liked, wanted, appreciated. How his fingers felt on her face as he
brushed the tears off. How his arms felt, how she could smell his sweet scent as
he surrounded her with comfort. She remembered his last words in that conversation,
“You’re not alone. I’ll always be here for you.” She decided that this was it. She
was going to ask him to be her date to the Homecoming dance. No one had asked
her – they must have all known what a mess she was – and as far as she knew, he
hadn’t asked anyone. When she finally got the courage to ask, he told her that
he didn’t think he was even going to go. He wasn’t a “fan” of dances. She
wanted to believe these words, more than anything she wanted to believe him.
But she knew that it wasn’t true. She knew that he was just saying that to be
nice and to keep the friendship that they had built over the years. She
understood this, and she knew that she wasn’t the type of girl he dated, or
even took to dances, anyways. She was too good of a friend to be the other type
of girl. This didn’t stop her disappointment, though. It didn’t stop the
sadness, the tears, the lonely nights that all became too familiar to her.
Her face wouldn’t flush red anymore …
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