So was up reading last night, cause I couldn't fall asleep and suddenly I had this urge to write. So I found my notebook and started writing away. This is what I came up with:
People are always trying to give me advice. Some say cliches that I have come to love. "Always listen to your heart. Follow your heart." "Find what makes you happy, not others." Some things I have always questioned, even tried to resist at times. "Love will find you when you least expect it." If I am not expecting it, then how do I know if it's there? "Don't go searching for love, let it find you." If everyone had this mentality would there still be love in the world? If everyone waited for love to find them, what would happen? Doesn't there have to be some aggressive to the passive int he world?
When I grew older (and supposedly more mature) I worried more and more about the idea of love. As a kid I learned of love as a prince coming to save the day on his white horse. My sister and I watched Sleeping Beauty so much I still remember the words Aurora sang to her forest friends, "Some day my prince will come..." People have even said this tome, while in my head the music was playing in the background. In my pre-10 year old years I had dreamed of marrying a prince (or John Wayne). Then I became devastated when I found out the Duke had died of cancer (why hadn't anyone told me this when I dreamed of marrying JW before?) and the princes took center stage. For most girls that age, and even older into the early teens, they loved the idea of marrying a prince because that would mean that they would become a princess. This is probably the reason that makes the most sense. For me, though, it wasn't the idea of becoming a princess that I dreamed of most, it was the idea of marrying the prince. The prince was the perfect love, the perfect man, and they ALWAYS lived happily ever after. I wanted that love, the devoted love.
Throughout my later teens and early twenties, the phrase "your prince will come someday" had transformed. At 13, I dreamed that my very own Prince Phillip was going to come riding along on his trusty steed and we'd instantly fall in love. My worries about love began at 16. I started to worry, wonder, fear... "Not many people ride horses anymore. None around here. What is he, my prince, going to do now? How is he going to ride in on the horse, how will I know that its him without the horse? By the time I turned 18, I had give up on the fairytale image and instead I turned to finding the "modern-day" version of a prince. To me, "some day my prince will come" now meant "some day, my love will come."
But this is what worried me the most. Will he come? Will the love of my life ever find me? And if so, how will he find me? I was a senior in high school when I met Brandon. When we first met I could have (and probably did, in my head) mistaken him for Aladdin, he looked just like the Disney prince! I didn't really know what love was at that point (even though I thought I knew several times, or claimed that I did), but I thought that this had to be it. I had to fall in love with Aladdin, I mean Brandon. After dating for only three months, he said "I love you" first. I convinced myself for the next five and a half years that I loved him, also. However, by the end of our relationship I had learned what love was and what it wasn't. I knew that it wasn't real love anymore (or maybe never was) but just in love with the idea of being in love, hanging onto love.
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